Sunday, April 25, 2010


I feel like my brains have been scrambled lately... I'm not on anything, I promise, at least nothing illegal...I think. But I have felt just out of sorts for a while. So my brain has been working non stop trying to figure out what could be going on. I have schemed up so many different possibilities in my head. Done so much "researching" online about all the scheming I have been doing. I have talked to my "girlie" doctor about one of my thoughts, so she did some blood work and all she tested for came out fine. So there went that one out the window! So then my brain went back to more scheming. It's stressful when your brain is constantly thinking, going back and forth, going there and going here... it feels like everything is all jumbled and I can't think clearly. Which in turn makes me feel on edge about everything else in my life.

There has been a lot of drama in the lives of people, friends and acquaintances all around me lately. Which has led me to think about the things, or "drama" that have happened in my life that have helped to shape me into the person that I am today. Along with my past and my mistakes I have made in the past have all made me what I am today. All of them have shaped me into a far from perfect person. With all the thoughts and reminders that I think about so often, I feel that God has created a heart of compassion and understanding in me. My opinion on death row has made a complete turn around just with in the last year. I feel sorry for the men and women who face that destiny. Why can't our government put more money into the "troubled" youth of our nation, into trying to help them, teach them and put loving but tough people in charge of them in some sort of group home instead of sending them to juvie? Now, I might not always be understanding and compassionate, but I feel I am for the most part.

The imperfect part of me doesn't then understand how others can be so judgmental and harsh towards people who fall short of being "perfect". Why think such ugly thoughts about the teen who robs a store to buy his next fix? We don't know what his life has been like up until that point. Or the friend or family member who may suffer from depression, or alcoholism, or gosh, even shopaholics. There are all kinds of things that people do that we just may think we will never understand. What about the person who steals the spotlight, always talking about themselves and money, how much money they make, how much money they spend on designer clothes, you know the people. Instead of talking behind their back about them, why not think about why they may always be talking about money. What has their past or present been like that has shaped them into this person that talks like that? Maybe they have a low self esteem, or they are insecure about themselves? We may never know, but instead of writing that person off and deciding that you don't like them, maybe we should try to get to know that person better. They may end up being a great friend, someone you have fun with, someone who would support you when you need it, someone you can count on.

I know that, I, myself may not be the kind of person that you like to hang around. I have my faults, a lot of them. The most visual one that most people see first is probably my negativity. I know I can be a negative person. It's very hard for me to not dwell on negative things that happen in my life. For me it's very hard to even see, much less focus on anything in my life that may be positive. With out going into any detail, so much has gone on in my life that has shaped me into the person I am today. I can sit here and say that not a whole lot of positive things have happened in my life, but I know that's not true. I know there are plenty of great things that have happened, but it seems like all the negative things trump the positive. I can't even rejoice in the good because it seems there is constantly bad being thrown at me. I feel like I am always frustrated, always. So I may "complain" about all the negative, looking for a friend to be understanding and encouraging. I feel alone a lot. The only family I have is my mom, my dad has already gone to heaven, and I don't have any siblings. So I look to friends to help me through the rough times. To listen and be understanding. To find the good in me and to give me some compassion. So, anyone out there wondering why I am so negative, if you would just stop judging and being "turned off", why don't you just try to get to know me better, and then maybe you might understand a little better why I am the way I am.

You see, my thoughts go from one thing to the next constantly. I have not been quite myself for months. I have had no motivation to do anything. Which is very unlike me. I am usually constantly on the go, running errands, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, playing outside with the kids, but I haven't done any of that in quite a while. My latest diagnosis, that I gave myself, has been low iron or low B12. So I started taking vitamin B12 and it seems to be helping me out some. I have noticed that I have had more energy to get up and get moving, which is a great start! I guess I'm moving into the right direction. Maybe sometime soon things will all return to normal. So until then, I guess my thoughts will continue to constantly be spinning until everything else settles and returns to normal. Until then, I will continue to turn to the people in my life that love me for who I am, and who show understanding and compassion. Those are the people that I know, God, has placed in my life for a reason. Those are the friends that I can call my "family".


Tara said...

Very well said.
This will make a lot of people think.

Nikki B. said...

def the first thing about you that impressed me, and something that i value about you, still, is your compassion, and understanding, and acceptance. you don't strike me as a negative person at all. i mean, i hear your struggles and complaints, and the like, on facebook, and when we chat...but, you have never struck me as overly negative.

you're of the most genuine people i've ever met. that's something that i seriously appreciate, and you just don't see often. i don't anyway. people are so into keeping up appearances these days...and rarely are people who they say they are. or who they seem to be.

i'm sorry your mind has been scrambled. sometimes...i think that's part of being a mom. we are just pulled and stretched in so many directions, it's ridiculous. it's hard. and it's easy to get lost in it all.

Jes said...

Thanks so much, Nikki! Your so sweet! It's nice to hear compliments from a good friend. It seems like there are a lot of people in my life that just don't get it when I "complain" about various things that I struggle with constantly every day, and they view my complaints as negativity. They just don't understand why I am such a "negative" person. I can see it in their faces, that they don't like it and that they are tired of hearing it. But if they would just give an understanding heart, maybe I wouldn't be out to prove my point by continuing to "complain" or be "negative" all the time. It's so frustrating. Just wish more people could see things from my point of view more often. I always instantly begin to wonder what each person's life has been like that has shaped them into who they are.

The Byrd's Nest said...

You me you are just real...I don't look at you as being negative.

I understand exactly what you mean Jesica because I have the same problem with my girls. I am not "complaining" about them....just trying to share my struggles I am having with them. I don't know why sometimes I share them because I get the same looks you are talking about or just "Well, they are just normal 5 year olds". They are NOT normal five year olds...they are grieving and are trying to express the loss and trauma they have experienced and I just want prayer to know how to help them. (sigh)

I love your heart for your family, for your friends and for the Lord. Don't change one thing about you my friend.
P.S. And I agree with everything Nikki said to you:)

Jes said...

Thank you,Kim. I totally get your struggles with your girls. You know most kids who have gone through what your girls have gone through, do act out, but they don't even know why they are feeling the way they are feeling, which makes it even more frustrating to them, because they don't even know what it is they need or want. It's confusing to them. And that can make life overwhelming. And it makes being a mommy to them even harder, because if they don't understand, it makes it harder for you to understand and to know how to help them.

Thanks again for your kind words and understanding, it's a nice feeling. I don't get that from many people, and when it's your family that gives you such a hard time, it makes it even more frustrating. Just wish they would try to understand where I am coming from and what it is like for me, instead of beating me down for being a frustrated mommy.